Artly There News

Artly There News : You won't read it or hear about it anywhere else.

(There's a reason for that.)

Greetings.

July 19, 2002 Edition

Many of you are familiar with the supposed explosions of the mid body tank of the Boeing 747's of late.

(click to enlarge image)

This modification was recently spotted at the factory test landing strip. The theory seems to be that any tank problems will take out at most, the luggage and some lift, leaving the upper wings intact to fly on handily.

The other operative theme seems to be that losing luggage is a quite common thing, depending on airline , and won't be noticed that much should the plane blow its load factors.

Interesting approach. We here at Artly There wish them well .

George Bush Senior's wife Martha was recently offered a job at the Smithsonian as a stand-in for George Washington. You go girl. Get on that Graybie Train. Barbara, I mean. Whatshername. Now George.

A man name Pete Snide was recently jailed for taking a lingerie ad from a recycling container on his neighborhood street against ordinance of bin pilfering. He offered the officers confronting him a full 60 pounds worth of newsprint in trade for the 1 page item, but this is Planet Earth. Life requires adherence to policy.

Pete died in jail from a prisoner assault while awaiting bail.

John Dear finally got fed up with being confused with the popular producer of lawn tractors by similar name and lay in wait at the local store. When the employees showed up that day, he held them at gunpoint (gunpaint?) and had them repaint every logo'ed item as John Dear, instead of Deere, saying "If I am going to suffer this damnable humilation, it might as well be spelled right."

When asked by Police later why he didn't just paint them himself, after hours, and save himself the weapons and kidnapping charges (why do they always charge that?) he answered, remarkably," Because I don't have that kind of time, and besides, the gun wasn't accurate enough to paint right." Yep, idiot had held them puppies with a Paintball gun.

Harcourt Lindendale was saved from drowning recently...in his own toilet. Lindendale was going gray, and was dying his hair, which was in a ponytail usually. His water had been shut off recently, so he was forced to rinse the dye using water remaining in the toilet bowl. What he didn't know was that the lower water pressure and levels had allowed an escaped boa constrictor access to his sewer lines, and the beastie locked onto his locks, nearly making him a water boa.
He was rescued after his screams for help awoke his neighbors, who were able to get his head loose after cutting off the locks (of hair... not a deadbolt). A fight ensued after one of the rescuers thanked the Mr. Lindendale for finding his snake. There's a moral here somewhere.

Billy Bimley was snorkeling off the coast of Florida recently...looking for muscles according to the local mussels. He was too successful it seems, because after only a few hours, the former 96 pound weakling weighed 160, and struggled to extricate himself from the water. His bulging biceps caused a ruckus on the beach, and he passed out from the attention.

When asked how he did it, he had no recollection. We suspect spinach was involved, but can't prove it. Said mussels were contacted for their side, but complained of bias and a lack of urchin sea. They refused to admit to any involvement in any swap, though one suspects Mr. Bimley was actually searching for -mussels- .

Bivalves...can't trust 'em. Ask them anything, they just clam up.

Transmogrified July 19, 2002